Home Spotlight On...Parenting & FamilyPregnancy & Birth The Trauma Of Birth. Why It Was Ok That I Did Not Want My Son.

The Trauma Of Birth. Why It Was Ok That I Did Not Want My Son.

by Author: Jade Lloyd
80 comments

I had the perfect birth plan, then I went into labour.

Two days early.

At two am I am woken by a simultaneous sound and sensation. A pop, a snap, like an elastic band stretched too tight that broke. A wave of anxiety and excitement preceded a roll of nausea. Lying back in bed the waterproof sheet crackled. Sleep did not come. Contractions came slowly, haltingly, with long gaps between. The hours blurred, my mum arrived as I was face first in a sofa cushion, nails digging in the delicate fabric. Hours must have passed as she lives 182 miles away. A call to my midwife someone made revealed I had 24 hours after my waters breaking for labour to progress before risk of infection required intervention.

Panic rose.

Stumbling into the shower, my swollen body responded to the water and in two minutes everything fast forwarded. For me I feared, waters analgesic powers were mis-sold. Bundled gracelessly into the car, I plastered my head against the cool passenger window. Puffs of hot, ragged breath spidered the glass with condensation. My headphones were playing music but I can’t recall the songs. Just a metallic murmur of voices. In the parking lot my mother counted change whilst my body bent double. Waves surged through me and I tensed against them, fists in balls, humming nonsense. The midwife told me to relax. But I could not ride it.

Contractions build, squeeze and wrack your body until you feel like you can bear it no more. An all-consuming feeling not comparable to a cut or break. Peaking in a crescendo of white hot pain. I just wanted a break. To sleep. A moment. But on it went. Relentless, and I helpless with it.

The experience is frightening, primal and alien. I lost myself. My body had been contracting every few minutes for 12 hours. Other women lay in the shadows outside of my gaze in separate rooms, moans and whimpers echoing. I hadn’t the energy for compassion for those I heard screaming. Walk to encourage contractions, step by hesitant step. I moved rhythmically, forgot my breathing, and apologized multiple times. A midwife advised young people tend to make a fuss and I probably wasn’t very far along. Cowbag. Gracelessly begging another to check, yes, at 6cm dilated I could go to the pool. Like I was at a spa for a day of relaxation.

I hate triage.

The birthing room is windowless and hot. I got my own midwives but can’t hold onto their names. They talk about what I wanted in the birth plan that I can no longer remember. Pulling on the Entonox I ask my mother if we can go home. Begged her. I think she smiled. The pressure in my back. God the pressure. Gas made me sick. Monitoring found me to be ‘not progressing’. Unfamiliar words like dopler, Syntocinon, back to back, manual manipulation whirled round. A small plastic epidural tube in my spine and a drip in my hand appeared. It got ripped out twice. The contractions juddered through as I drifted. Floating out of my body and back in with each barbed clench. Rocking, cringing, mumbling. The baby is in distress, a clip is placed on his head. A feeble tellytubby joke is made. I mutter about wanting to ‘do it naturally’ and my mum holds my hand. Worried gazes flicker past me unnoticed. My entire self was weak and delirious with tired. Over the next few hours I am placed on different sides as his heartbeat fades and strengthens again. 

woman in labour

That face just says, tired and frightened.

We all watched the clock.

The next day a voice says I am 10cm and to push. They ask if I want to touch the head and I recoil. Surely my own head will explode with the exertion. The red emergency button above the bed is pressed. Doctors fill the room in seconds. They top up my spinal which leaves my body shaking and sick but I am held down as they need to get to the baby. Forceps are brought out. Green suits and masks cover faces. All I could hear was my teeth chattering. An episiotomy happens and hands are covered in blood. Pull. Pull. Pull. Like a ragdoll I am dragged halfway down the bed. Two nurses put their weight across my body. I was adrift on a dark sea in a room full of quietly panicking people. The process was so much about pain and exhaustion I forgot about my baby. Did not really care. Out he came scowling and bruised, dragged into the world and thrown upon my chest. A grey, slimy bundle of enormity that my heart could not start to comprehend yet. ‘No’, I whispered. I wasn’t ready to be mother yet.

I wonder if anyone is ever ready.

Lying exhausted, relieved, utterly spent, my void stomach jelly under my hands, a gentle someone stroked my hair. The anaesthesiologist stood above me murmuring warm something’s. I loved her in that moment. They snipped and sowed and put my body back together, but my mind was still shattered and would be in pieces for months. 29 hours in labour, not even one born every minute had prepared me for that. Riding on a feverish riptide of postpartum hormones and PTSD I did hold my son later. There was no immediate thunder strike of euphoric adoration like they say. Our love grew slowly. Depression settled on my shoulders because of the trauma of birth and our bonding not being what I perceived it ‘should’.

That said, this is not a horror story.

If you find yourself having an experience like mine, there is NO ‘should’. Pregnancy, labour, motherhood are not simple journeys. It is nothing like I imagined. Be kind to yourself, ask for help, do not feel guilty or like you failed, have faith. This is not meant to take away or challenge those who feel their births were an experience of strength, of calm and beauty. I am nothing but glad for you and even in the challenge of mine looking back I can appreciate the triumph with pride. Its purpose is to give comfort to those who struggled after and to offer an earnest expectation that things can go awry but you can get through it.

Did you have a traumatic birth, was it at home, via c section? Do you have any tips for expectant mothers?

 

On a lighter note Mummy in a Tutu and I were laughing over the potential title of this post; the more humorous being; bitch with a scissors, it’s not all sun-shine rainbows and fucking whale music, push push aghhhh and scream all you like.  And, say yes to drugs.

If you enjoyed his post you may like to check out Did I make a boob? Breastfeeding and me?

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

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80 comments

2angelsandablackdog 26th April 2017 - 11:37 pm

That sounds utterly traumatic – and how dismissive of midwife. I was really lucky and had a really easy birth. But it went downhill from there, broke up with my partner, became catatonic and was hospitalised for 2 1/2 months and had to stop breastfeeding. What I’m saying is motherhood is a tough gig and it’s great to support each other – as we do online. I’m so glad you sound as if you’re moving on from that experience although I’m sure it will stay with you. Xx

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Jo Sandelson 24th February 2017 - 12:32 pm

You had such a hard time – that photograph of you says it all. Glad to hear your love for your son grew eventually. Thanks for such an honest post, I’m sure it helps those who had similar traumas. jo #KCACOLS

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Jade 24th February 2017 - 4:01 pm

Thanks Jo, it is not the most glamorous photo, and I don’t want people to now thing birth is beautiful, amazing, an achievement I just don’t ant expectations of perfection to make any mothers feel guilt xx

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Jenny (Accidental Hipster Mum) 18th February 2017 - 6:09 pm

Poor you. I had a traumatic birth with my first (that was made up for when my second just popped out with a thud after a comparatively quick labour). My first was 10lb 8 and no one believed she would be so big. I tore, they snipped, I tore some more and her head came out facing my inner thigh, giving me a HORRIBLE graze that alongside my stitches took an age to heal.

#KCACOLS

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Jade 24th February 2017 - 6:42 pm

My good goodness my lovely I just cringed for you, what a good weight! Ouch, we obviously have directionally challenged children xx

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Jenn @ Mad Mommy 18th February 2017 - 4:19 am

I had two traumatic birth experiences, both very different, but traumatic just the same. I feel for you. #KCACOLS

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Mummy and the Mexicans 18th February 2017 - 1:24 am

What an incredibly traumatic experience, it must have been difficult to relive it all to write this post, too. I didn’t feel an instant bond with my daughter, it happened gradually as I was getting my head round the idea of being a mum and suddenly being responsible for a tiny baby while barely being able to move myself after an emergency c-section. I was lucky, though, the actual birth went smoothly despite planning for a natural birth- it wasn’t to be as the baby’s heart rate was going down, the decision was taken quickly to have an emergency c-section and it all happened so fast. I didn’t like the fact that she was bottle fed while I was in recovery so I wasn’t the first to feed her. But the important thing was that she was healthy. All experiences are different, but we seem to be sold the idea of the perfect birth and immediate bonding and I think it’s a bit of a myth. #KCACOLS

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Jade 24th February 2017 - 6:43 pm

I got a bit sweaty palmed typing it but I think it has been cathartic in for the first time in 5 years sitting down and reliving in moment by moment. I think I found a bit of acceptance. As you say the most important thing is that baby arrives safely xx

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Silly Mummy 18th February 2017 - 1:00 am

I was one of the lucky ones – my births were uncomplicated and quick – but I can completely understand that if the birth is exhausting and traumatic that would often have a big impact on how you react to the early days with your baby. It’s tiring and a big adjustment at a time when you’re tired from birth even with the simplest and easiest labour, so it must be very hard following a labour that needs significant mental and physical recovery. #KCACOLS

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Wendy 17th February 2017 - 1:53 pm

Oh wow..you went through so much I am not surprised you didn’t feel that gush of love straight away. I had 2 complications free water births and even after everything going smoothly I didn’t immediately fall in love with my first baby, the bond can take time. You definitely should have called the list the butch with the scissors haha xx #kcacols

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Jade 24th February 2017 - 6:47 pm

Ah I think water births are fascinating! I think raising awareness of bonds, expectations and feelings is important. Parenthood and birth are beautiful but they can also be scary and I sat in quite a grey cloud after having my son ashamed to tell anyone that I was anxious and sad and those things are not bad or shameful, its a massive physical and emotional think making and bringing a little person into the world xx

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Dani 16th February 2017 - 11:38 pm

I am so sorry you had a very traumatic labour and birth along with the painful memories and pnd it causes afterwards. Please do remember though, you didn’t ‘fail’ because your birth didn’t go according to plan! You are an incredibly STRONG woman x #KCACOLS

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Maria 16th February 2017 - 10:36 pm

I believe so many of us go through this. I know I did. I planned my birth plan to a tee and it went completely out of the window. I was in labour for 27 hours, failure to progress and didn’t dilate to 10cm. I ended up being wheeled of to have an emergency c-section which was not what I wanted at all.

After my son came out I was so drugged up I could barely keep my eyes open and I couldn’t stop shaking. I kept wondering when that rush of love would come because I thought it would be instant. I was so battered and bruised and physically and emotionally exhausted too!

Thank you for sharing your story #KCACOLS

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Jade 24th February 2017 - 6:50 pm

Oh lovely I feel for you so much, I had the shakes too I think its the shock and the drugs. It is such a massive think its good to respect that our minds and bodies will need some tlc! xx

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Poppy Reflects 16th February 2017 - 9:46 pm

My goodness, this is almost identical to the birth story of my daughter. All I could think about afterwards was the hell my body had just been through and I really didn’t care I had a baby. Very honest and brilliantly written unlike my post which was an unedited ramble of an extremely long, relentless labour. Back to back, forced epidural, ended up in theatre, forceps, episiotomy, torn open stitches, awful. The experience with my second baby two months ago was entirely different and beautiful. I couldn’t believe it! x #KCACOLS

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Jade 24th February 2017 - 6:51 pm

I am sure it wasn’t a ramble, in fact I a going to find it with a cuppa tea now. It took five years for me to write that post lol. The fact you had a different experience with number to reassures and fills me with more joy that I can say, thank you lovely x

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Kate Eccles 16th February 2017 - 9:43 pm

Great writing! One day I may share my three birth stories – the first excruciatingly long and knackering experience; the second one when Daddy didn’t make it and my phone was stolen; and the third which was fairly uneventful in comparison! I don’t think you can ever be fully prepared and especially not first time round. #KCACOLS

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Jade 24th February 2017 - 6:52 pm

What the hell your phone was stolen?!!!xx

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Harriet - Coffee & Bubbles 15th February 2017 - 9:28 pm

This sounds horrific, harrowing and familiar. Despite not being very similar to my birth at all there are moments that ring true with me. Labour and childbirth is so extreme and afterwards you’re handed this bundle making you demoted to number 2 and you have to look after it before looking after yourself. It’s such an alien concept. You poor thing. #KCACOLS

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Laura @ Dot Makes 4 14th February 2017 - 5:57 pm

I just want to hug you! I was just 20 when I had my son and not only was I not prepared, but it definitely did not go to plan. What started as a planned ‘normal pregnancy’ ended in a 14 hour experience in a room being given various drugs and scans and finally in an emergency C-section.

Although it took me a long time to recover both physically and emotionally, I look back at it with a smile as I had to go through all of it for my precious son 🙂

-#kcacols

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Amy 14th February 2017 - 1:27 pm

I do feel for you and understand completely. My daughter got stuck (shoulder dysplasia) and my son was big (9lb8), so both of their births were a complete struggle and I hated every second of it. But what they say is true, you soon forget and the next struggle takes over.
#KCACOLS

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Tim 14th February 2017 - 11:43 am

I wouldn’t say any of our births were particularly traumatic but they were certainly different. The first was a home water birth where the cord was briefly caught around Isaac’s neck. The second was a planned home water birth which ended up being a hasty living room floor delivery conducted by me (no trauma, merely an adrenaline rush followed by intense relief when the midwife arrived). If any of them were stressful, it was the last one – 18 days late, planned home birth but delivered in hospital when my wife’s waters broke during a check-up, necessitating a mad drop-the-kids-at-friends’ dash. We were definitely lucky that my wife didn’t suffer too much in any of them – gas-and-air but not too much pain. #KCACOLS

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Becky | Bringing up the Berneys 14th February 2017 - 11:41 am

Oh my goodness, it’s so scary when they’re saying all these things and you have no idea what they’re on about, nor do you have the mental state to try and understand. I was very blessed to have had a *nice* labour – albeit, 2 weeks overdue… I like to read these posts of women who are open about PTSD and depression, breaking the taboo by speaking out about it. It’s so important to raise awareness that it is more common than we think! So thank you for sharing this! #KCACOLS
Becky x

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Sara 13th February 2017 - 3:09 pm

I don’t think you can ever really fully be ready for your first labour and your first child. I know I wasn’t. And I can relate to the feeling of panic too. But it wasn’t a horror story for me either! Thanks for sharing – loved your perspective #KCACOLS

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Zoe 12th February 2017 - 11:37 pm

This post is so well written, If you had written more i could have continued reading on and on. Its a shame you had that experience…but hopefully maybe someone else will read this and realise they aren’t alone and that the way they feel is ok. Great post! 🙂 #KCACOLS

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Adventures of Mummy and Me 12th February 2017 - 5:01 pm

What a raw and honest post. I’m sorry you had such a traumatic experience. I too had a traumatic birth experience, and even now 20 months later, the thought of it is still a raw memory in my mind. I think the problem is that all of these antenatal and hypnobirthing classes focus too much on the perfect birth, and not what could essentially “go wrong”. I recall asking my class tutor numerous times about what happens if things don’t go to plan – and about cs. But she always dodged the question and tried to skate around the subject to bring it back to calm and perfect scenarios again. Then low and behold, by birth didn’t go to plan, and I wasn’t prepared. It would be so much easier for new parents to cope with these situations if more classes focused on the negative as well as the positive sides to birth experiences. #KCACOLS

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Jade 25th February 2017 - 2:39 pm

Precisely I don’t want to take away from the achievement and beauty of birth but preparing mums for if things don’t go to plan is helpful, normalising all types of birth so no one feels like they ‘failed’ x

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Sinead (shinnersandthebrood.com) 12th February 2017 - 2:04 pm

I’m sorry you’re experience was a negative one. Sadly so many others find themselves with similar experiences. This is a post that needs to be shared! #KCACOLS

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Cassie 12th February 2017 - 1:19 pm

I’m sure I commented but I can’t find it. Was checking back to see if I added the #KCACOLS

We had a very traumatic birth. I was actually none fully aware of how traumatic it was. But the midwives in our week stay at the hospital following the birth, continually told me how hard a labour is suffered. Hubby was completely traumatised too and still struggled to talk about it. Honestly.

I had involuntary pushing from the first contraction. I think baby was back to back, the involuntary contractions thickened one side of my cervix so the last cm wouldn’t budge. Once in theatre for forceps we discovered I didn’t have enough epidural as I could feel everything. The forceps failed after the consultant discovered I had a bangles ring. He then pushed baby back up and he was finally delivered by emergency section. I had a 2nd degreee tear from the pushing, I was tacchycardic and vomiting and shaking due to the epidural which was eventually increased so I didn’t feel the section. Then 6 days in hospital processing the labour as we both had possible infections which was never found out as it was possible the petri dishes were just contaminated lol.

I’ve been told I’m not suitable for vbac so will be a planned section for future pregnancies. Took me a long time to come to terms with the fact I’d “failed” at labour too.

#KCACOLS

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ohmummymia 11th February 2017 - 9:02 pm

I had a traumatic birth I even couldn’t talk about it:/ after maybe couple of days I was able to tell my mom what happened there. I said to my husband that if we want another one I want C section. I’m really scared to have another birth like that and it was terrifying to ear how your baby’s heart is slowing down:/
#KCACOLS

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Kerry 11th February 2017 - 8:17 am

My first labour story is a bit of a modern day nightmare, but my second was a dream! I enjoy reading others experiences good and bad. Thank you for sharing! #KCACOLS

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Savannah 11th February 2017 - 6:52 am

Such a powerful post! Childbirth definitely doesn’t always go as planned, and I think it’s important for women to realize that it’s OKAY to struggle with feelings after a traumatic birth. So many feel bad because they don’t bond immediately with their baby, or because they are struggling themselves – it’s OKAY to put yourself first sometimes. You are such a strong mama though, and I hope you know that <3 #KCACOLS

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Ky 10th February 2017 - 3:16 pm

I remember being asked if I wanted to touch the head aswell and I think my answer was eww no! My labour wasn’t exactly straight forward. I ended up on a hormone drip as I had no contractions but my waters had gone. There was also meconium present so things had to move along pretty quickly.x #kcacols

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mainy - myrealfairy 10th February 2017 - 9:27 am

Wow this is a very powerful post, well done for getting it down so well. It’s a pretty freaky experience giving birth isnt it. I did love mine so much but I’m sure some of that is the old rose tinted glasses version!:)

Mainy

#KCACOLS

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Kayla Arnold 10th February 2017 - 12:55 am

What an amazing post. I wish I could give you a hug! #KCACOLS

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Rachel Craig 9th February 2017 - 9:27 pm

Each Birthing experience can be so different. Jade seems to have been young, had a Birth Plan, so it seems had considered how she would have liked her experience to be. Each labour being unpredictable, it seems that maybe we need to be Caring and Nurturing of ourselves and each other. Mothers are often very supportive and Caring when it comes to their daughter being in labour. Yet it can also be an anxious time for them.

How can we prepare for the unknown? Well, maybe we can consider possibilities :- We have Expected Date of Delivery, baby may arrive around that time or may not. Do we know people who had baby prematurely? What about postdates, as possibility of need for induction of labour, medical interventions. Possibly best to consider what could / may happen. Have accurate information so as to be as prepared as possible.

Postnatally : likely to need rest, nourishment etc. Is there anyone who can provide support at this time? As needing to recover, adapt to new role of motherhood etc. Takes time. Maybe there is a need for more support at this time. Some cultures do have an acceptance of this being a time that a new mother needs Empathy etc. Maybe the UK system needs reviewing. As many are working, commuting to work, dealing with targets and pressures. How can individuals provide the support new mothers need?

Glad Jade managed to accept and love her baby. Though Birthing experience is part of her life and history.

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Mummyitsok 9th February 2017 - 7:38 pm

Such an honest post – and so many mums commenting that their birth was traumatic to! It never seems to be as nice as on the tv. Same for me too.. 2 weeks overdue, induced then a c-section. Birth is tough on us mums. #KCACOLS

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Emma 9th February 2017 - 5:24 pm

Oh this is so raw and beautifully written. It sounds like it was a traumatic birth and a birth that I recognise in many aspects! Both times my births went a bit Pete Tong and I ended up being rushed off for surgery. I would love to have just one more but I have been told that it would be too dangerous and hospitals and the idea of giving birth again terrifies me. You are one brave lady xx

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Twicemicrowaved tea 9th February 2017 - 8:57 am

This sounds awful. I was in labour for two days and ended up with an emergency c-section because Little B’s heart rate kept dropping. What made it worse was that the section had to be done under general anaesthetic because it was so urgent, so I missed seeing her being born and only have very hazy memories of the first time I held her. I felt totally robbed of the whole birth experience. I wanted that moment of seeing her come into the world and having that perfect bonding moment with her and my husband. I’d had such an easy pregnancy that I just expected labour to be straightforward too, but now I know that it doesn’t always happen that way! I don’t think I really got over it until after her first birthday. #kcacols

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Susan - You Are My Sunshine 9th February 2017 - 8:39 am

I am crying reading this. I too had a traumatic birth with my daughter nearly 3 years ago. It ended with an emergency section. Turns out my little lady wanted her personality known before she arrived. She was completely stuck in my pelvis. There were complications with the section and in the days and weeks after for us both too. It’s an incredibly difficult thing to go through but I love that you have written about it. We need to hear the bad. We need to know that it’s not all rainbows and unicorns and that it is perfectly okay to have a birth trauma. I hope you are doing better now x #KCACOLS

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Crummy Mummy 7th February 2017 - 8:04 pm

It’s such a shame you had that experience – I’ve had one what I would call horrendous birth and one ‘perfect’ birth. Baby number three is actually due today and I’m hoping for the ‘perfect’ birth again #KCACOLS

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Becki Parsons 7th February 2017 - 2:24 pm

In tears reading this – your experience was so close to my own – 23 hours, back to back, forceps, bleeding… It will be 3 years ago at the end of this month, and I’m 100% not over it. My SIL had a textbook water birth 16 days before me and transformed into some kind of earth mother, whereas I spent the next 6 months kicking myself for not getting that rush of love, for not being able to breastfeed, for having nightmares about the hospital or my son being taken away because I was so sad all the time. I’m sorry you had such a bad experience, you have my total sympathy and as many virtual hugs as I can send across the internet.

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Jade 25th February 2017 - 2:44 pm

Virtual hugs back my love, it was 5 years ago for me and I am just making peace with it, if I have another I know I will be afraid but I accept that things will not always go the way I think, that there is no right or wrong and to be kind to myself xx

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Jo 6th February 2017 - 11:10 pm

I was reminded of William Blake’s poem Infant Sorrow:

My mother groaned, my father wept,
Into the dangerous world I leapt;
Helpless, naked, piping loud,
Like a fiend hid in a cloud.

Respect to you and your child. Also all those who helped you. The best things in life are the hardest to come by. Terrific post you are a talented writer Jo x #KCACOLS

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The Mum Reviews 6th February 2017 - 9:42 pm

This is absolutely fantastic writing. You have really brought your experience to life. I also had a traumatic birth with my first and I can relate to a lot of this. I was in an absolute daze in the early days. #kcacols

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Nicola 6th February 2017 - 9:32 pm

Every birth is so different and I stupidly believed my friend when she told me (having given birth 4 months before me) that it wasn’t that bad and I’d be fine. After 36 hours in labour and a failed ventouse followed by forceps delivery (I recognise those bruises on your baby’s face!) I too was left traumatised! I remember leaving the hospital and telling the midwives ‘never again’ – ‘you’ll be back’ they said. I did go back but it took 6 years until I felt ready to do it again! Second time around I was fully prepared for the horror and was expecting the worst. My daughter arrived in 1 hour 25 minutes! Just shows…you never know what’s gonna happen in labour!

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Nicola 6th February 2017 - 9:44 pm

#KCACOLS

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Jade 25th February 2017 - 2:46 pm

This gives me so much reassurance, my sons about to turn six and I am now starting to think I can brave it again. The poor little things he was so bruised and cried lots, the nurses said it was because he likely had a headache!xx

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Amie 6th February 2017 - 8:51 pm

I can’t really say much on the trauma as I have been stupidly lucky with both of my labours and births and they only lasted a few hours but I understand about the not feeling the lightnight bolt feeling. I haven’t had any kind of depression or issues after birth but it’s only now that my son is 6 month old that I feel more like he’s my son, my baby. I’ve always loved him and it’s hard to explain but I was the same with my daughter too #KCACOLS

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RACHEL BUSTIN 6th February 2017 - 4:02 pm

As I’m reading this, 12 months ago today I was being induced. I only ever got to 4cm. My baby didn’t want to come out at all. I was stuck like this for 48 hrs still having contractions but never dilating any further. On the 8th Feb I had my baby girl by c-section 14 days after my due date.

Fab post! xx

#KCACOLS

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Chilli Regina 6th February 2017 - 1:35 pm

For me it’s always hard to read about traumatic births and I just wanna say, you’re a very brave, strong woman. I had it easy and it seems unfair to all of you who didn’t. Why? We all want it to go smooth and without complications, we all have fears inside that it might not go as planned, and we all deserve to have a good birth experience. Don’t know the answer, but for me, all of you are HEROINS! #KCACOLS

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Kirsty - Winnettes 6th February 2017 - 8:50 am

My one piece of advice is don’t set your plan in stone. By all means make one, think about your preferences but be fully prepared to throw it all out of the window. Don’t ever set your heart on something you can’t control. My first pregancy I had a small plan. Student allowed (Ellie was actually delivered by a student midwife). No injection after birth for me, let the placenta do what it needed… Well I had the injection and the only reason I didn’t have emergency surgery was because they gave it to me. To be honest it didn’t go completely belly up but it wasn’t what I was expecting… Not sure it was ever going to be. My second birth plan was 1 line. Get the baby out! #KCACOLS

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Nadine 6th February 2017 - 6:27 am

Wow! Your birth story brought tears to my eyes. I have had 4 births, all totally different! Each one special in its own way. I’m glad that you seem to have found some healing. Not every birth is like this! And the first one was definltely the hardest for me emotionally and physically. I wasn’t prepared, I was only 20, I had a lot of drugs and a C-section for failing to progress and it definitely impacted my ability to bond with my oldest. But it is what it is and I love him dearly now (at 17year old!). I’m so glad you shared this. I love reading other women’s birth stories – they are amazing! Women are amazing! Good on ya mama! #KCACOLS

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Cathryn - Little Paper Swans 5th February 2017 - 9:19 pm

I had no birth plan as I knew it wouldn’t pan out like I expected. I wanted a water birth. Changed my mind when I was there. I ended up in a bed (which I said I didn’t want) and had to be cut. But I didn’t care, My baby girl was here. Next baby will be the same, I’ll have choices but no plan.

I love reading birth stories!!

#KCACOLS

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Alana - Burnished Chaos 5th February 2017 - 8:50 pm

No birth story is the same and no one experience is the right one. I found it hard to bond first time round and felt like there was something wrong with as I’d always heard about the instant rush of love you were meant to feel. It came a couple of weeks later but the guilt stayed for a long time. I wish I’d read more posts like this before hand so I knew the other side. I was much better prepared second time round (although that birth was traumatic, think c-section where the drugs didn’t work past the first layer of skin and a rupturing section scar meaning no time to wait for another round of drugs to kick in!) x
#KCACOLS

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Sarah - Arthurwears 5th February 2017 - 8:03 pm

Sorry you had to go through this. I was induced at 42 weeks and ‘allowed’ a bath to ease the pain…and despite mine ( and my husbands) requests for a birthing room/pool after a few hours as I felt like I was much further along than they were telling me – they didn’t check me and told me it was too soon and I couldn’t be. In fact, I was fully dilated and pushing, except I had no idea because all they kept telling me was that I couldn’t be. I almost had him in the corridor trying to walk to the birth pool room ( again, left on our own with no idea where to go) and only just made it in time for the midwife to very aggressively tell me to push. He was born quickly and i suffered with a massive tear and blood loss as a result and had to spend hours in surgery afterwards. I had flashbacks for over a year and now im pregnant again they are returning. My midwife has told me that I should have had ‘debriefing’ where they go through your labour notes with you to help you make sense of what happened and answer any questions. It’s something i’m definitely planning on doing before I’m put in the same situation x #kcacols

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Mommyandmadness 5th February 2017 - 7:36 pm

Horrible experience. I had a traumatic birth experience, the love for my daughter came slowly too, no instant rush of unconditional love here! It really can leave you body and soul battered and bruised. #KCACOLS

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Becky @ Educating Roversi 5th February 2017 - 7:13 pm

The way you write this made me imagine every moment with you. How horrendous that you had to go through that. I can’t give any insight into traumatic births as I was lucky that mine was straight forward but I didn’t have a birth plan….I don’t think you can plan. You are proof of this. More a “wish list” #KCACOLS

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Bread 5th February 2017 - 6:27 pm

My wife gave birth to our son the empty bathtub unexpectedly at home with just me and the cats to help. #kcacols

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Gabriela Green 5th February 2017 - 5:57 pm

This sounds terrifying…with so much pain involved. I am sorry you’ve went through such an experience 🙁
#KCACOLS

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Emma me and b make tea 5th February 2017 - 2:40 pm

aww goodness that picture says it all doesn’t it. what a nightmare and no, one born does not prepare you. I had a c-sec with my boy and although my experience was noting like yours, it took me a long time to fully bond. everyone gushes on about this insta-love and it just wasn’t there for me. it took me a while to come around to being a “mum” #KCACOLS

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Sarah @tortoisehappy.com 5th February 2017 - 1:29 pm

Society paints a certain picture of life doesn’t it. WIth weddings, marriage, careers, children, etc. But life is not perfect, and society’s expectations and portrayals can leave us feeling disappointed when we really oughtn’t.

#KCACOLS

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Kimberley | Oh Just My Little Blog 5th February 2017 - 12:50 pm

This sounds so scary and I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’m glad you can look back and see the positives x #KCACOLS

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Helen @talking_mums 5th February 2017 - 11:22 am

Oh I definitely say YES to drugs in labour! Sorry to hear that the labour and birth were traumatic for you but very pleased you got to where you are now -able to talk about it and help others. How dare she say that to you about younger mums in labour. Doesn’t matter what your age, we all cope and experience it differently x
#KCACOLS

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Carolina Twin Mom / Mary Peterson 5th February 2017 - 4:27 am

Yes, I did have a traumatic birth, but quite different from yours. I don’t remember mine, but I am told that I almost died. My twins almost died. I was full-blown eclamptic with HELLP syndrome. I had an emergency C-section that I don’t remember. I don’t remember meeting my children for the first time. I spent a week in the hospital, with flashes of memories here and there. I didn’t want to spend much time with my children. My body went through a trauma (as yours did) and my spirit did too. Childbirth can rock your world in good ways and bad, but if you get the help you need, you can come out on the other side victorious! #KCACOLS

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Nicole | The Professional Mom Project 5th February 2017 - 1:54 am

I’m so sorry you had this experience. I had a traumatic birth experience with my son as well. I was in labour for 51 hours and ended up with a serious infection and an emergency c-section. Thank goodness everyone was ok and we have been blessed with the most wonderful boy who’s now almost 6 years old 🙂 Take care of yourself and your little one!

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Nicole | The Professional Mom Project 5th February 2017 - 1:55 am

Sorry I forgot to add #KCACOLS!

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Fiona Cambouropoulos 5th February 2017 - 1:04 am

A tramatic birth is something you will never forget, Thankgoodness for happy endings. #kcacols

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Geraldine 4th February 2017 - 11:02 pm

Oh wow what a raw and honest post. Childbirth can be absolutely terrifying and horrendous. My sister has four children. Two were relatively straightforward forward births, not without their drama tho and the final two were terrifying and dangerous. My daughters birth was taken from me as I was rushed to theatre for an emergency c section. Complications happen. Birth is not easy or straight forward. Thanks for sharing your story. #kcacols

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Jeremy Barnes 4th February 2017 - 10:58 pm

My wife had a hard time, but not as bad as this. I’m sorry you had to go through that, and glad everything turned out OK in the end #KCACOLS

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Peachy and her Mommy 4th February 2017 - 10:52 pm

Peachy was a breech baby but I planned to give birth the old fashioned way. My doctor told me that it might not be possible but that I could try. It was dependent on the doctor that happened to be on duty at the time. The doctor turned out to be reluctant and after six hours of labour I was coerced into a c-section. While on the operating table I felt somewhat resentful that my baby’s well being had been placed so high above mine. Then I met Peachy and everything changed. Seeing her innocent little face made me no longer care about myself at all.

My selfish resentment turned into a resentment of a different kind. I couldn’t hold her until after I was stitched up and wheeled out to recovery and I always felt like I missed out on that bonding moment. I was not the one to welcome her into the world. I felt robbed of that. I still do. In a way I have spent every moment since trying to make up for something I always felt that I lost having with my sweet girl. #KCACOLS

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Nicky kentisbeer 4th February 2017 - 10:46 pm

Totally identify with this. After going through a similar scenario to you, when you are still in shock, it’s hard to flick a switch and you just need a bit of time to – well to normalise. I didn’t beat myself up, there’s was plenty of time to make up for it afterwards. #kcacols

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kristin mccarthy 4th February 2017 - 10:44 pm

My first labor was a total freaking nightmare full of drama and madness. Second pregnancy was like a vacation- no joke. The twins are a whole other post in itself!
#KCACOLS

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Ali Duke 4th February 2017 - 10:40 pm

I was only in labour with my son for 2 and a half hours, but he was six weeks early and I hadn’t started my ante natal classes. I was 19 and scared. He was taken straight to special care, but was thankfully fine. small but fine. My daughter was totally the opposite. she was 4 weeks early, but after my waters broke in no hurry to come out. I was having a planned C section with her and I took all the drugs lol. Birth trauma brings so much with it, depression, exhaustion and pain, It makes it easy to disconnect with your baby.
#KCACOLS

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Emma and Family 4th February 2017 - 10:38 pm

Sounds almost identical to my birth! Especially the pulling and tugging, it makes me cringe remembering it all! And I swear some midwives become so desensitised to it all and forget how frightening and dramatic it is to first time mums because I had almost an identical comment about probably not being very far along because first time younger mums panic more! Bitch! oh yeah and the bitch with the scissors! Cowbag! haha. Good job the kids end up cute and worth it all in the end! #KCACOLS

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Mimi Rose and Me 4th February 2017 - 10:25 pm

Oh my goodness me, that must’ve been awful for you my lovely. We all know every birth is different but I think it’s the having no control part that gets to everyone. I know it did me. My birth wasn’t traumatic, but my sisters was with her second little lady. I felt so helpless and it’s so hard to watch her becoming someone completely different, she’s continues with the severe PND. Thank you for sharing your emotional post with everyone, it couldn’t have been easy to go through it all again.? #KCACOLS

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Chloe Ciliberto 4th February 2017 - 10:21 pm

Oh my goodness. I am sending so many hugs right now. What a traumatic birth. I’m so glad you have bonded so strongly now. 29 HOURS!!! You described the feelings and process of birth so intensely that for the first time, it brought every element of my own childbirth back to me and I have never been able to quite remember. Such a powerful post and hopefully a good preparation for some expectant mamas. x

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OddHogg 4th February 2017 - 10:16 pm

I’ve welled up reading this, because this was me. I had a traumatic birth, and I didn’t know what to do when it was all over. I was holding a baby but couldn’t feel anything – I was exhausted and numb. I’m ashamed to admit I was relieved when they took him to the neonatal unit (where he remained for some time). Although he was unwell, the first 12 hours without him gave me time to recover. By the time I was visiting him the following morning I had started to wrap my head around what had happened and was ready to love him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he hadn’t been taken away I may have slipped into PND. I shudder to think! #kcacols

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Karen 4th February 2017 - 2:26 pm

My first birth was utterly traumatic and contributed to my already fragile mental health state as well as almost breaking me physically. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you too had to go through such trauma. It’s not something someone who hasn’t been through it understands!

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The Hippy Christian Mum 4th February 2017 - 12:34 am

Wow. I don’t know what else to say that sounds awful x I just want to hug you in that picture.

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