CRUMBLEFROO. A Parent’s Guide To Safety Proofing Swearwords.

Welcome to swearword 101.

I am a supporter of the ADULT swear. For the cathartic times when you stub your toe, or the inaudible whisper under your breath when your child writes on the wall in bright red permanent marker.

I don’t swear at my son. The thought upsets me. Notwithstanding teaching him that you respond to anger with anger. I would not want to shame him or belittle his delicate and precious self-esteem. And no, I am not Santa or the ‘perfect’ parent. She is fiction.

Sometimes I do brain whisper, ‘you little bugger’ at him. And I would be lying Pinocchio style if I said he had never heard me

Darnit!

The school run is a time of implicit stress for me; a muddle of toast crusts, missing shoes and trying to get to the classroom door on time. Don’t leave the book bag in the boot of the car. Last week, whilst driving seventeen miles an hour in rush hour traffic (grits teeth). Listening to the Lion King soundtrack for the two hundred and twenty second time; a ‘badword’ lady pulled out (without indicating!)

So I unforgivably, unintentionally let the high pitched utterance of, ‘b**ch’ out of my mouth.

I was horrified and inwardly gasped as two little piercing blue eyes met mine in the review mirror. ‘What did you say mummy? What is a bitchd?’ EPIC PARENT FAIL. Guilt and shame. Oodles of guilt and shame.

Quick mummy think fast.

‘The beach darling, mummy suddenly had a great idea that we should go to the beach at the weekend.’ He regarded me silently. I froze, waiting. He broke into a lopsided smile. ‘I want a bucket sandcastle!’

SAFE.

This little ‘near miss’ inspired the safety proofing of swearwords, as I am sure we all feel the same. That s**t is not a cute articulation for a toddler. So let’s avoid those colourful grey words and make some new squishier ones as we all know kids are miniature parrots. Ideally I would advocate for expressing no frustration around your littles. If you can count to five in your head, great. But this is a realistic blog so if you can’t try:

• Oh FLIP-FLOPS! Or Oh BUMBLEBEES! Oh BUMPERS! (Courtesy of Chugginton).

• Crumblefroo (Leo loves this, thanks to my OH and The Mighty Boosh).

• I don’t like the saying, ‘oh fudge,’ it makes me hungry, but it is a classic.

• Son-of-a-biscuit. Or Crumbs.

• *Deep breath*

• If you want to be very English you could say fiddlesticks, or ‘oh bother’.

• Sweet cheeses (rhymes with Jesus).

• Buggeration…Retro.

• Oh buggy. A bit close perhaps…

• For the love of Pete!

I would love to hear you’re swearing alternatives to add to our repertoire, or funny/unfortunate swearing incidents.

This is a sharing safe space, grab a cuppa and have a chuckle.