On weekends the child will wake up anywhere between five and seven am. He will bounce in, hurl himself on to my face and initiate a loud conversation about aliens or cowboys. On school days, my son will do everything he can to avoid getting up.
I do wonder where this pathological desire to drive his mother insane comes from?
Sneaking out of bed at half six, side stepping over the creaky floorboards and piles of floor laundry I attempt to at least have a shower successfully. Gratefully I step into the cascade of water and enjoy blissful peace. Two minutes later the door bursts open and in comes a ruffled, dino-clad little boy. He squints through the steamed glass and informs me he is going to wee. After ignoring my please not to, he flushes the toilet (little sociopath). I jump to one side to avoid the gush of icy water. Unfazed, he gesticulates wildly and is pointing to his foot.
‘I lost a sock in bed can you get out and find it for me?’
Yes, because my only goal in life is to serve you my mini evil overlord. I sigh and loudly call,
‘It’s mummy’s private time, go and get dressed please’. He yells back, ‘you are shouting, umm, you are not allowed to shout, use your indoor voice.’
It’s just another manic Monday.
Throwing on my clothes I notice the little scamp has climbed back into bed. He complains that he did not sleep AT ALL last night and needs a lie in. That’s nothing; I have not slept in almost six years courtesy of you kiddo.
‘Five minutes little boy,’ I say gently, calm and collected. I sit on the toilet whilst brushing my teeth, play on Twitter and pretend I have my life together. Three out of four mothers find the school run more stressful than going to work. More than grocery shopping and everyone hates that. I totally get it. The free childcare is great, the need to be punctual, not so much.
I re-enter the room 3 times, given him a countdown. My Zen mum voice flags and turns to harpy yelling, ‘get up, now!’ Then drag him unceremoniously out of bed with Pikachu, Doggy and Charlie Bear in his arms. I dragon breathe, regroup, smile and gently manoeuvre him to the bathroom to brush his teeth. I have to repeat brush your teeth 12 times and ponder whether I am loosing my marbles.
He then promptly forgets how to dress himself.
‘My pants are too tight.’
‘Well go to your draw and get out some different ones. ‘
‘I can’t, you got them out so I have to wear them.’
‘Go and get some more pants Leo.’
‘ No. My winky will suffocate and it’s your fault.’
He receives two warnings for pure ignorance. I don’t smoke but feel this is why people start. Scrabbling to regain the possibility of positive reinforcement, I encouragingly help to fold his arms into his jumper. But seriously, what happens when they are just being a dick? The gentle parenting tools kind of get lobbed out the window before 9 am.
I tread on Lego and shout ‘SHHH…’little boy looks at me expectantly’…OOOOT.’
My firstborn, my only child, light of my life then proceeds to stare at me defiantly and throw himself heavily on the floor sideways. He lays sprawled out for a moment, trousers round his ankles, then I watch his face crumple. Seriously, I just watched you do that.
‘OWW. I am injured. You hurt me.’
He does it again 4 times, cries and then asks if I want to play with his Hot wheels. I ponder calling a psychiatrist.
Make a battle plan.
Everything is sorted the night before, water bottles filled, his uniform on the radiator. Shoes are kept in the same place. Sergeant Major mummy. Little boy is aware of expectations and I encourage him to take responsibility. I don’t even suggest that the TV be turned on. No matter how organised I am. It’s a nightmare. Like entering the jaws of hell.
Hands up who else yells up the stairs, ‘TEETH! SHOES! JUMPER!’ Every sodding day.
You start supportive, cajoling, saying please. You try really hard. Then it descends into full-fledged shouting as they become hysterical, or ignore you. When they are finally dressed they look feral and raggedy. Already filthy. How does that happen?!
Drinks bottle, book bag, work lunch, breakfast club money, coat, swim bag, handbag, kitchen sink. Check.
I close the door, lock it and breathe a big sign, exhausted, and the day has only just begun.
‘Mum I need a wee.’
‘We have to wear something red today, and had to learn a fact about space.’
Cue Mum’ster. We arrive at breakfast club after listening to Disney in the car. He then decides he wants crumpets at home. I semi dropkick him into the door, flee as swiftly as possible and get to work then realise I am not wearing a bra.
Buggerit. I mean oh Chuggingtons, whoops a daisy…nope sod it I meant buggerit.
How do you get through your mornings? Are yours a battle or do you have any saving hacks that makes your days easier?
We’re not at this stage yet. Peachy is only 16 months old. However, if for some reason we have somewhere to be at any particular time, I’m sure to be late. #StayClassyMama
SO stressed reading this haha. My Leo starts school in September and I am not looking forward to dragging him out of the house 5 morning a week, it is going to be hell. I know what you mean about little boys just magically getting dirty all the time, my boy is a filth magnet even when he has just been washed. No idea how that happens either. This post was linked up to #BlogCrush as someone’s favourite post, conrgats! xx
oh wow, I do not want Ben to get older! I’m very happy with our quick mornings as my MIL dresses and feeds him hahaha! #stayclassymama
Mornings in my house are chaos. I honestly don’t know how I manage to get one dropped at school, one dropped off with my mum and me into work in 45 mins, #stayclassymama
I think I’m worse to get going than my kids on school mornings lol, I struggled when Adam was little as I would just have the girls ready to go and he would dirty his nappy or decide he did;t want to be buckled in or something. But now he is 7 and the girls are older they are really good actually, I’m pretty lucky #stayclassymama
I haven’t had this pleasure yet as little man is not yet at school but I’m going to give you a gem of a phrase that i think you’ll like… “Just another manic MOMday!” haha! <3 #stayclassymama
I used to go insane asking them to put their shoes on 50 thousand times before 8.15. Now it’s just bashing on the door at 10 min intervals and announcing the time. If they miss the bus or are late, that’s their problem….#Stayclassymama
Oh Gods… my eldest starts school in September! Eeek! XD #stayclassymama
Makes me tired just reading it! #stayclassymama
I definitely degenerate into a mum’ster. No one does what I say in the morning. I have no idea why. Instead of getting out your Monster High toys the second you finish eating, how about you get dressed and THEN play. Or we go upstairs to get dressed and everyone just sits on their beds expecting me to decide what they’re wearing. My girls are 5 and 8 – make a damn decision!!! Oh my gosh I lose it EVERY DAY.,
I’m slightly nervous that we are already at this stage, and that’s just to get to nursery! what the hell is going to happen in a year and a half?! #stayclassymama
”My winky will suffocate and it’s your fault’ – love it! My nursery run in the morning isn’q quite that stressful because the Popple isn’t old enough to properly protest yet, and yet I still struggle to make it to the train each morning. I can only imagine how much worse it’s going to get once she’s a bit older. Give the strength. #stayclassymama
Oh yes, every single morning!! With four of them to get ready to school, I lose my shit on a daily basis!! I’m so looking forward to half term just to avoid the school run! #stayclassymama
i don’t even HAVE to go anywhere in the mornings (as much as I’d like to). But no matter how early my daughter wakes me up, somehow when it gets to time to leave the house for whatever playgroup is on that day, she suddenly needs a change, won’t put her coat on, hides her shoes, throws toys all over the hall floor and runs away. And we end up leaving in a hurricane of chaos and are late. Your son is such a player. You have to give him kudos for his imaginative excuses. #stayclassymama
Hahah we’re not there yet but even getting out the door at 10am to go to a class is hard work getting shoes on etc. I generally just wrestle..! #StayClassyMama
II just wrote a post about why I find it easier with 3 than 1 kid 🙂 competition! It includes a video of me dressing Zach (on a day when he wasn’t as wriggly as normal, typical!). The older 2 are mostly sorted but get easily distracted so I have to keep them focussed. I put my panic voice on even when we have plenty of time, just to keep them on their toes 😉 #stayclassymama
haha … sorry, but that is really funny. My life seems to have got a bit easier this last term. Maybe cos the eldest is now capable of dressing herself. I’m dreading winter though. cue daily meltdowns from both kids because they have to wear warm clothing.
Kids and mornings are not fun. I survive by being VERY organised. Everything is put ready the night before. Lately it is not th e kids that turn me into a mumster… it is the traffic on the way to school. There are some real #$%^&@ drivers around. ? My kid has learnt quite a few new words this year in traffic. None of them usable at school…
I I just loved this post when I first read it on twitter. Have you tried the Ryan Gosling trick yet? Get me out of the house in 30 seconds flat at that shoes and coat bit, if I tell myself that I’ll get to spend an hour with RG in a lift on our own if I can do it – works every time – kids are a bit stressed out though with crazy psychotic screamy mummy! Bring on the Easter hols! #stayclassymama
I am dreading this age! The overlord bit made me laugh xx #stayclassymama
Ah, I could almost feel the school run frustration as I read this. Seriously, why can’t they just LISTEN and OBEY the first time around, then there would be no shouting!!! And what is it with their shoes and teeth??? Love the way you’ve penned this post!!!
You just described my morning routine, only with two girls! And every other week I have to cajole my husband out of bed when he works the late shift and does the school run. It was supposed to be less stressful with him actually at home to help… but then he doesn’t get home from work until 2am the night before and you can see why my stress levels begin to rise! And the dog needs a walk, the house is a mess, I need to build my business… 😉