Why I Can’t Rest When I Am Ill. Why I Need Too. Parents Are Not Bulletproof.

I am not good at doing nothing.

I never was. Ants in my pants. Metaphorically not literally.

This has only got worse since becoming a mother, when you are juggling so many important, essential, brightly coloured balls you forget to breathe. And in the rare, quiet moments there is always something practical and useful that I can be doing.

Usually laundry.

When I do stop, I tend to stare at beige walls or zone out to Netflix. My brain is like a computer on shutdown. I just want to be alone, with my own thoughts. Also possibly the cast of The Vampire Diaries.

I have not been feeling well for a couple of months

I think it started when I had a breast lump removed, I named it ‘bad Harry’. Whilst physically not being the pleasantest of experiences what I should have done was taken a couple of weeks off work. Regrouped. Given myself some emotional TLC instead of sweeping the possibility of breast cancer under my nice jute rug and ploughing busily on.

I shut my brain worries away into a dark cupboard. With the nauseating fear of ‘what if’ and the spiky whispers of ‘what happens’ if I have to leave my little family when it is only just beginning.

I also did not heal fantastically thanks in part due to Doctor Leo’s bedside manner. He was doing marvellously, gently pretending to take my temperature; five minutes later he decided to test the endurance of my stitches with the little plastic hammer from his dress up medical kit. Not his future profession I feel.

Teddy with plasters and bandages

The last couple of weeks I have been feeling drained…inarticulately…meh.

My pot of mind sunshine has been running low. I have been feeling thinly stretched. Like sparse butter on a big bugger off piece of bread. Too little of me to spread across my many worlds; home, work, being a partner and parent.

Cue full on, raging temperature, aching body, flu. It is a miserable thing.  I am one hot muma..but not in the good sense.

The postman just cheerily told me I look like crap. He isn’t wrong.

I have been told to rest and I thought I was. But then the washing up needs doing, bills needs paying, Twitter needs tweeting and little boy comes home and I need to be mummy. Vertical mummy, not horizontal mummy.  Rest is not what it used to be.

I also have not being at work guilt. My boss gets loveliest person in the world award but I feel like I am letting people down. That leads to berating oneself and crying onto my Fat face pyjamas (they were a gift, I am not that classy). The school run feels like the Olympics, I am not recovering as fast as I need to. I am being unkind to myself. It is hard being ill as a parent, but,

‘parents are human being too’.

Picture of a cup of tea, banana, flowers and alarm clock.

It is lovely having a partner that can give you a non-poorly hand.

When I was a single parent I despondently recall Leo and I both had sick bugs and I wept in the middle of the night because I was at an utter loss.

You cannot pass out, head down a toilet when a little person is depending on you.

I always nod at the blog posts that say a parent needs them time, you time, me time. I am a hypocritical nodder.

So I am trying, trying to be gentle with myself. Be mindful, praise instead of criticise, listen to the supportive people in my life and stop trying to be a superhero.

I do not wear underwear on the outside of my clothes so should stop trying to be invincible. I am going to drink a gallon of water, munch on the vegetable section of Sainsbury’s, sleep (as much as any parent can) and with shaky steps get back to me.

I am off to listen to Enya and call Doctor Ranj! (Cbeebies pun).

If you need a pick up and liked this post check out: Belonging to a Social Media tribe. Digital friendships. Emotional lifesavers.
Two Tiny Hands
Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

Leave a comment

  1. May 3, 2016 / 3:39 pm

    Oh being ill now I’m a mum is the worst…I actually get that dreaded lump in my throat at the thought of being ill! Hope you feel a bit better soon and lots of water and rest if you can 🙂 you still make me laugh a lot even when you’re feeling poorly! Lots of love x

  2. May 3, 2016 / 6:25 pm

    Oh I hope you take your own advice in this lovely. You really do need to be so kind to yourself always but particularly right now. Well said in lots of ways. Xxxxx

    • May 4, 2016 / 2:05 pm

      Thank you lovely lady…just did my first day back at work..totally going for a nap!xx

  3. May 4, 2016 / 8:09 pm

    Oh blimey, you’ve been through the mill haven’t you? Tough times indeed but with that positively fighting spirit at the end, you’ll get back to you 🙂 #abrandnewday

    • May 8, 2016 / 11:28 am

      Thank you for such a lovely comment 🙂 Fighting spirit and caffeine! xx

  4. twotinyhands
    May 5, 2016 / 10:30 am

    You do sound like you know all the right things. It’s hard to put it all into practice though when there is so much to do and want to do. Stopping an resting is always the hardest thing to do. I have times not flu or illness induced where I lie on the floor with R and just watch him play, then hit me in the head because I’m just laying there. Hopefully it’ll all calm down soon X thanks for linking to #abrandnewday

    • May 5, 2016 / 4:43 pm

      You are very welcome, happy I could finally come and get involved!Fab linky, thank you for a lovely comment xx

  5. May 5, 2016 / 10:12 pm

    Even whilst Ill you still write brilliant posts – yes you do need to be kind to yourself – it is super hard too as mummy guilt kicks in full throttle! But you have been through it and have to rest – Dr Ranj is like the most smiliest doctor ever! I wish our GP was like him – he sings some tunes! Lol x

    • May 7, 2016 / 4:08 pm

      Leo always asks why he has big eyebrows! Thank you fr such a kind comment! To much guilt in the world!x

  6. May 9, 2016 / 9:02 pm

    It is so true. I’ve just recovered from a fluey bug – I know it was my body saying ‘if you aren’t going to stop, I’m going to make you’. I was bed ridden for a few days and although my daughter had the same thing, she recovered much faster because she was less run down. People at work are still telling me I look dreadful 2 weeks on even though I feel fine – they’ll never see me in yellow otherwise I fear they’d call an ambulance! Great post! #KCACOLS

    • May 10, 2016 / 9:03 am

      Haha I am getting told the same at work too..along the lines of your face is telling us you still need to be off. Just what you want to hear 🙂

  7. Sara Handy Herbs
    May 10, 2016 / 7:13 am

    Sometimes looking after ourselves is the hardest thing to do. It is always so easy to give others good advice and then not to use it ourselves! I hope that even by writing this post you have started to feel a little better. Sometimes it is the head space that is needed, time to think and reflect and deal with issues. Give yourself lots of tlc and carry on being positive 🙂 x #KCACOLS

    • May 10, 2016 / 9:03 am

      Writing it was like my written orders to have a rest, a self pity fest and then eat ice cream and get over it!Thank you for a lovely comment x

    • May 10, 2016 / 9:04 am

      Feeling much better thank you honey, slowly does it and lots of coffee!x

  8. May 10, 2016 / 11:22 am

    It makes me so sad to hear that you are, and have been, struggling so severely. I suffered through a bout of mastitis the other week and, as much I I just wanted to lay around and sleep, I had a 13 month old trying to shove legos up my nose. Being sick doesn’t really work well with being a mom, haha. Seriously though, I hope you’re able to get some rest in and you’re on the mend soon! #KCACOLS

    • May 10, 2016 / 12:37 pm

      Oh that is such a sweet comment, thank you so much. I hope you too are feeling better, there is no stopping for us parents. I should have shares in a tea company!x

  9. twotinyhands
    May 11, 2016 / 8:12 pm

    Just calling back in to this from #kcacols! You’re the post before mine! As is the rules I’ve come to comment! Hope you are feeling better… #kcacols

  10. May 12, 2016 / 6:38 pm

    Oh, lovely, I do wish you heaps better soon – you’ve really been through it and you aptly made the point here ‘Too little of me to spread across my many worlds; home, work, being a partner and parent’ – you didn’t feature in this list – didn’t even come last … you need to change that so you are strong enough to be at home, work, a partner and a parent … I hope the rest (where you can) the shift of focus and the water and veg helps … sending the hugest of huge virtual hugs because I think you need a massive dose of love xx #KCACOLS

    • May 13, 2016 / 3:57 pm

      Oh that is a beautiful comment, and yes me doesn’t feature on any of y lists..I am working to change that! I am very grateful to receive a virtual hug!xx

  11. May 14, 2016 / 7:37 am

    Oh lovely, I feel sorry for you. I understand you very well. I feel sometimes that because we are parents we are not allowed to get ill. It is not nice at all when we are not well. Everything becomes a big deal. I have been feeling lately that I have to start slowing down otherwise my body won’t handle it anymore. I’m taking too much lately and it is time to stop. It is important to rest and I think I should try to do the same. Yes I know it is easy to say than do but it needs to be done. I hope that you feel better soon. Rest as much as you can. Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. Love having you here and thank you for joining us this week after my request. Hope to see you again on Sunday if you feel up for it! 🙂 xx

    • May 14, 2016 / 12:46 pm

      I love your linky and I understand it must be even harder for a mummy with two little beans to think of. Have got myself on track again now so hopefully will be onto the linkies at the speed of lightening this week. I have a big cup of tea and have lots of posts to write 🙂 xx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge