I am not good at doing nothing.
I never was. Ants in my pants. Metaphorically not literally.
This has only got worse since becoming a mother, when you are juggling so many important, essential, brightly coloured balls you forget to breathe. And in the rare, quiet moments there is always something practical and useful that I can be doing.
When I do stop, I tend to stare at beige walls or zone out to Netflix. My brain is like a computer on shutdown. I just want to be alone, with my own thoughts. Also possibly the cast of The Vampire Diaries.
I have not been feeling well for a couple of months
I think it started when I had a breast lump removed, I named it ‘bad Harry’. Whilst physically not being the pleasantest of experiences what I should have done was taken a couple of weeks off work. Regrouped. Given myself some emotional TLC instead of sweeping the possibility of breast cancer under my nice jute rug and ploughing busily on.
I shut my brain worries away into a dark cupboard. With the nauseating fear of ‘what if’ and the spiky whispers of ‘what happens’ if I have to leave my little family when it is only just beginning.
I also did not heal fantastically thanks in part due to Doctor Leo’s bedside manner. He was doing marvellously, gently pretending to take my temperature; five minutes later he decided to test the endurance of my stitches with the little plastic hammer from his dress up medical kit. Not his future profession I feel.
The last couple of weeks I have been feeling drained…inarticulately…meh.
My pot of mind sunshine has been running low. I have been feeling thinly stretched. Like sparse butter on a big bugger off piece of bread. Too little of me to spread across my many worlds; home, work, being a partner and parent.
Cue full on, raging temperature, aching body, flu. It is a miserable thing. I am one hot muma..but not in the good sense.
The postman just cheerily told me I look like crap. He isn’t wrong.
I have been told to rest and I thought I was. But then the washing up needs doing, bills needs paying, Twitter needs tweeting and little boy comes home and I need to be mummy. Vertical mummy, not horizontal mummy. Rest is not what it used to be.
I also have not being at work guilt. My boss gets loveliest person in the world award but I feel like I am letting people down. That leads to berating oneself and crying onto my Fat face pyjamas (they were a gift, I am not that classy). The school run feels like the Olympics, I am not recovering as fast as I need to. I am being unkind to myself. It is hard being ill as a parent, but,
‘parents are human being too’.
It is lovely having a partner that can give you a non-poorly hand.
When I was a single parent I despondently recall Leo and I both had sick bugs and I wept in the middle of the night because I was at an utter loss.
You cannot pass out, head down a toilet when a little person is depending on you.
I always nod at the blog posts that say a parent needs them time, you time, me time. I am a hypocritical nodder.
So I am trying, trying to be gentle with myself. Be mindful, praise instead of criticise, listen to the supportive people in my life and stop trying to be a superhero.
I do not wear underwear on the outside of my clothes so should stop trying to be invincible. I am going to drink a gallon of water, munch on the vegetable section of Sainsbury’s, sleep (as much as any parent can) and with shaky steps get back to me.