Parenting Terminology Redefined By A Sleep Deprived #Mumboss


We have to keep ourselves cheery as parents and sometimes there is no wine or chocolate in the house, so I at 2am last night decided to rewrite some of the most commonly referred to parenting terminology…honestly.

Parenthood: where you are expected to look at a miniscule cut on your sons finger, which may or may not be dirt while he sobs in an Oscar worthy fashion and expects you to call 999, then grandma, then put on 200 plasters whilst watching a Disney film. Underpaid position.

Motherhood: An enforced period of caffeine addiction, dubious personal hygiene and soul destroying cartoons with animals that make you cross at life (see Mother).

Mother: Female of varying ages all who feel 215. Eats leftover food and can never remember the date or where the keys are. Olay and eye bag concealer become popular, as do leggings. Fixer of scraped knees.

Father: Bearded version of mother. Man who builds shed in garden to escape offspring. Protector of daughters, tallest and strongest person in the world to own children even if 5’4. Master of piggybacks.

Childbirth: When it is ok to swear at your mother, demand narcotics and crawl around a hospital floor. A means to an end. Expect happy and sad crying. Take Lucozade.

Breastfeeding: A means of feeding ones child; involves partial nudity in public, feeling akin to a milking cow. A time when it is acceptable to eat 3 snickers a day for sustenance, when your breasts grow 4 sizes and if they did not hurt so much you would do a jog and your best Baywatch impression.

Family of four 1950's style laughing and looking at the sky

Bottle-feeding: significant other of Breastfeeding. When the mathematical pressure of powder to hot water mix befuddles your brain, you put your phone in a steriliser at 2am and you are bound to leave at least 5 on the bus. You will try milk from both and decide you will stick to soya or perhaps just go dairy free.

Weaning: When you wish to redecorate your ceiling with a range of sticky, carefully cut up fruit and vegetables. A time when you will lose 7 pounds through pure disgust at constantly looking at and cleaning up blended, squishy food that Anabel Karmel told you to combine.

Baby: The result of the casting aside of birth control. Looks like a miniature old man. Sounds like a kitten and does very little but cry and poo. Gorgeous and precious to one’s own parents.

Toddler: Karma paying back all your past debaucheries; shots at university, smoking, wearing short skirts, not attending church, using the word s**t too often. Has selective hearing. A foot tall mini dictator that has a fascination with dandelions and pets (see Tantrums).

Tantrums. What your child does to test your sanity: puts you off the idea of siblings. They lead you to drink in the evenings. Time outs and star charts will be attempted but bribery and biscuits are the only way to survive them.

Nappies: The reason your carpet is still beige.

Phonics: Stuff that I should really know already but had no clue. New-fangled alphabet.

Velcro: the reason your kids hate shoelaces.

Peppa Pig: the reason you hate everything. LEGALISED TORTURE IN PINK.


Please jump in and add your own definitions!


Petite Pudding
Pink Pear Bear
You Baby Me Mummy


  1. July 17, 2016 / 7:23 pm

    This is brilliant! Laughing out loud right now 🙂

    • July 18, 2016 / 12:43 pm

      Thank you lovely, always glad of your comments and shares, your an angel x

  2. July 17, 2016 / 7:35 pm

    For a second I thought you were referring to condoms when you wrote “looks like a little old man” 😂 Very funny and slightly depressing list because there’s seemingly no end in sight to the pain we must bear! #puddinglove

  3. July 17, 2016 / 7:42 pm

    I need one for the word teenagers…

  4. July 17, 2016 / 8:10 pm

    Hilarious! Thank you for staying up last night. This was well worth it

  5. July 17, 2016 / 8:38 pm

    Ha ha! I totally ate 3 snickers a day whilst breastfeeding! Unfortunately that habit was a little hard to break once I stopped breastfeeding…oops.

  6. July 17, 2016 / 11:33 pm

    Love this! I agree with them all. Sharing on Twitter! Hilarity is the only way to survive parenthood some days, am I right?

    • July 18, 2016 / 12:50 pm

      Yup its the only way to survive parenting full stop..that and wine!xx

  7. twotinyhands
    July 18, 2016 / 11:52 am

    ha ha, I’m never going to stop breastfeeding. I can see tantrums being a big deal and I am concerned about them hoping to survive them though. #puddinglove

    • July 18, 2016 / 12:50 pm

      They are survivable you get some war wounds but you carry on 🙂 xx

  8. July 18, 2016 / 12:06 pm

    Potty training: The reason your carpet is no longer beige! 😉 Great post, really made me laugh. This should be handed out to new parents in hospital! Thanks for being a #bigpinklinker

    • July 18, 2016 / 12:51 pm

      Hahaha thank you beauty that is an awesome one…eugh potty training..wonder how I survived all the poo…x

  9. July 18, 2016 / 2:03 pm

    Ahahaha I love it! I want a snickers now though. You’re a comedy genius and I love you. #bigpinklink

  10. July 18, 2016 / 8:06 pm

    You are a GENIUS! Totally tantrums are the cross we must carry to pay for our sins. I would like to add that reading 6 Thomas the tank engine books before child decides to go to sleep is also another form of LEGALISED TORTURE. #bigpinklink

    • July 19, 2016 / 11:19 am

      Oh yes that is totally in the list…multiple book reading or film watching back to back….ughhh xxx

  11. July 19, 2016 / 8:55 pm

    whitecamellias stole my starting words!!! You are a genius, truly. Best post I’ve read all week!!!
    Bloody Annabel Karmel and her pinwheel sandwiches…..
    PS: what’s the time?

  12. July 20, 2016 / 8:14 am

    Haha this is fab! I particularly loved…father: a bearded version of mother! Spot on 🙂 #triballove

    • July 20, 2016 / 9:18 am

      Leo the other day said mummy why did you make me like I am..and I said I didn’t choose it but you have bits of mummy and bits of daddy..he then asked why he didn’t have daddy’s beard…lol xx

      • July 20, 2016 / 9:20 am

        That is brilliant, imagine the chaos of we got to pick which bits make up our kids 😂 xx

  13. July 20, 2016 / 8:19 pm

    Haha how funny! cuts, plasters, wailing oh yes i still get it from my 5 year old lol! I too do not like Peppa Pig! Thanks for linking up to #puddinglove

  14. July 23, 2016 / 7:03 pm

    Ha ha very funny – particularly like the bit about Pammy. I could so have done a Baywatch run if I wasn’t sobbing into my pillow with pain…. #PuddingLove

  15. July 26, 2016 / 4:01 pm

    Ha ha! Love this so funny! Thanks for linking up to #TheList x

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