The wonderful, ‘wordy’ world of parenting.
I had my son at the ripe old age of 23. I considered myself world wise as I could make a cappuccino and kept up with current world affairs through Tweets and phone calls with my grandmother. When I became pregnant I envisaged a nine month evolution into an all knowing earth mother. Laughs tiredly. Six years later I am still flying by the seat of my stretchy leggings. I had (have) NO clue what I was doing. Worse that that? I owned a stack of parenting guides full of 1000 terms that now described my life. Most of which? Inadequate, incorrect or utterly confusing. Ignore the literature and develop your own ‘parenting speak’.
Learn these honest definitions every parent needs to know in order to navigate through the insane world of parenthood.
Parenthood: Where you are expected to look at a miniscule cut on your sons finger, which may or may not be dirt while he sobs in an Oscar worthy fashion and expects you to call 999, then grandma, then put on 200 plasters whilst watching a Disney film. Underpaid position.
Motherhood: An enforced period of caffeine addiction, dubious personal hygiene and soul destroying cartoons with animals that make you cross at life (see Mother).
Mother: Female of varying ages all who feel 215. Eats leftover food and can never remember the date or where the keys are. Olay and eye bag concealer become popular, as do leggings. Fixer of scraped knees.
Father: Bearded version of mother. Man who builds shed in garden to escape offspring. Protector of daughters, tallest and strongest person in the world to own children even if 5’4. Master of piggybacks.
Childbirth: When it is ok to swear at your mother, demand narcotics and crawl around a hospital floor mooing. A means to an end. Expect happy and sad crying. Traumatic, take Lucozade. Avoid if possible.
Hypnobirthing: Fanciful notion that mothers briefly consider before screaming for an epidural.
Nappies: The reason your carpet is still beige.
Breastfeeding: A means of feeding ones child; involves partial nudity in public. A time when it is acceptable to eat 3 snickers a day for sustenance, when your breasts grow 4 sizes and if they did not hurt so much you would do a jog and your best Baywatch impression. Lefty will be a G cup.
Bottle-feeding: Significant other of Breastfeeding. When the mathematical pressure of powder to hot water mix befuddles your brain, you put your phone in a steriliser at 2am and you are bound to leave at least 5 bottles on the bus. At one point you will try formula in your coffee.
Bum-shuffing: In at the clubs. PG alternative to twerking.
Weaning: When you wish to redecorate your ceiling with a range of sticky, carefully cut up fruit and vegetables. A time when you will lose 7 pounds through pure disgust at constantly looking at and cleaning up blended food of a snot like consistency that Anabel Karmel told you to combine. You will start with good intentions then buy everything from a jar.
Tummy time: When a parent is so tired they just lie face down on the bed.
Baby: The result of the casting aside of birth control. Looks like a miniature old man. Sounds like a kitten and does very little but cry and poo. Gorgeous and precious to one’s own parents. Health hazard.
Sleeping through: A myth.
Toddler: Karma paying back all your past debaucheries; shots at university, smoking, wearing short skirts, not attending church etc. Has selective hearing. A foot tall mini dictator that has a fascination with dandelions and pets (see Tantrums).
Tantrums. What your child does to test your sanity: puts you off the idea of siblings. They lead you to drink in the evenings. Time outs and star charts will be attempted but bribery and biscuits are the only way to survive. Worst at night time.
Soft play: The stuff of nightmares. Dante’s 10th level of hell. Filled with precarious foam ledges and plastic, sticky balls of dubious hygiene. Pray no one vomits. Offers ridiculously priced, terrible caffeine based products. You will get your ass stuck in the tube slide. Do not forget socks. There is always a puddle on the toilet floor.
Phonics: Stuff that I should really know already but had no clue. New-fangled alphabet.
Velcro: The reason your kids hate shoelaces.
Peppa Pig: The reason you hate everything.
Helicopter Parenting: New-fangled terminology. Overprotective mums and dads that think yogurts are dangerous. Is my type of parenting then Submarine parenting or Bungee parenting?!
Uh oh: The phrase that is uttered followed by a visit to A&E. Or that something expensive in your house is broken. Or that your kid pooed in the bath, again.
Any terminology that you still don’t know what it means even though your child is 12? Or definitions of your own you want to share?