CRUMBLEFROO. A Parent’s Guide To Safety Proofing Swearwords.

Welcome to swearword 101.

I am a supporter of the ADULT swear. For the cathartic times when you stub your toe, or the inaudible whisper under your breath when your child writes on the wall in bright red permanent marker.

I don’t swear at my son. The thought upsets me. Notwithstanding teaching him that you respond to anger with anger. I would not want to shame him or belittle his delicate and precious self-esteem. And no, I am not Santa or the ‘perfect’ parent. She is fiction.

Sometimes I do brain whisper, ‘you little bugger’ at him. And I would be lying Pinocchio style if I said he had never heard me swear.

The lovely Occupation (m)other wrote a great post on swearing and expressed, much more wittily and eloquently than I, my feelings around the topic. You will giggle tea out of your nose, check it out here.

Little boy in a bright yellow rain coat wearing ear defenders and smiling

I am always listening Mummy…Always…


The school run is a time of implicit stress for me; a muddle of toast crusts, missing shoes and trying to get to the classroom door on time. Don’t leave the book bag in the boot of the car.

Last week, whilst driving seventeen miles an hour in rush hour traffic (grits teeth). Listening to the Lion King soundtrack for the two hundred and twenty second time; a ‘badword’ lady pulled out (without indicating!)

So I unforgivably, unintentionally let the high pitched utterance of, ‘b**ch’ out of my mouth.

I was horrified and inwardly gasped as two little piercing blue eyes met mine in the review mirror. ‘What did you say mummy? What is a bitchd?’ EPIC PARENT FAIL.

Guilt and shame. Oodles of guilt and shame.

Quick mummy think fast.

‘The beach darling, mummy suddenly had a great idea that we should go to the beach at the weekend.’ He regarded me silently.

I froze, waiting. He broke into a lopsided smile. ‘I want a bucket sandcastle!’


This little ‘near miss’ inspired the safety proofing of swearwords, as I am sure we all feel the same. That s**t is not a cute articulation for a toddler.

So let’s avoid those colourful grey words and make some new squishier ones as we all know kids are miniature parrots.

Ideally I would advocate for expressing no frustration around your littles. If you can count to five in your head, great. But this is a realistic blog so if you can’t try…

  • Oh FLIP-FLOPS! Or Oh BUMBLEBEES! Oh BUMPERS! (Courtesy of Chugginton).
  • Crumblefroo (Leo loves this, thanks to my OH and The Mighty Boosh).
  • I don’t like the saying, ‘oh fudge,’ it makes me hungry, but it is a classic.
  • Son-of-a-biscuit. Or Crumbs.

  • *Deep breath*
  • If you want to be very English you could say fiddlesticks, or ‘oh bother’.
  • Sweet cheeses (rhymes with Jesus).

  • Buggeration…Retro.
  • Oh buggy. A bit close perhaps…
  • For the love of Pete!

I would love to hear you’re swearing alternatives to add to our repertoire, or funny/unfortunate swearing incidents.

This is a sharing safe space, grab a cuppa and have a chuckle.


Petite Pudding

Leave a comment

  1. April 20, 2016 / 5:02 pm

    Oh no, I hope people don’t read my post…I come across as terrible…I mean I actually have sworn at my son! Crumbles Bumbles and flippety gibbets, I’ll try to be better. Love your list! x

    • April 20, 2016 / 5:14 pm

      Haha you do not come across as terrible at all!!!!As I said my comment to you my little lad makes me so angry lol no parent is perfect! FLIPPETY GIBBETS!xx

  2. twotinyhands
    April 20, 2016 / 9:50 pm

    I love buggeration! I’d not considered swears yet but I’ll have to won’t I! Sugar honey ice tea springs to mind for another one!

  3. April 23, 2016 / 9:42 am

    Love son-of-a-biscuit! I’m not THAT careful about swearing around my daughter yet since she’s only 10 months old, but I should probably watch my mouth a bit more – it won’t be long before she’s repeating what I say and I’ll have some explaining to do!

    • April 23, 2016 / 2:24 pm

      Haha its really hard. Leo is parroting everything at the moment, he just told a waiteress that mummy is poor because she brought new tired for her crap car…..ooops xxx

  4. April 29, 2016 / 11:36 am

    Haha loving some of these swearwords! I totally need to start using some of these. LOVE! Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x

    • April 29, 2016 / 11:49 am

      Thank you so much for having me to the lovely linky! I am reading all the posts now and nodding and chuckling away!I said oh crumpets at work the other day and got laughed at!xx

  5. April 30, 2016 / 8:51 pm

    We used things like “Oh poop” or “Bother” with as much venom as we could humanly manage. So hard not to swear in front of them!!!

  6. lozandthesprog
    May 7, 2016 / 3:34 pm

    I’m quite fond of “oh, shoot!” instead of shit. It makes me sound like the kind of person who says things like “terribly frightful!” Which I’m not. I love “crumblefroo”!

    • May 7, 2016 / 6:48 pm

      I think it is fun to go middle class English when you are angry…GOSH DARN IT…x

  7. May 13, 2016 / 3:03 pm

    I am usually quite good especially in front of my son as he copies everything and wouldn’t want him to say anything he shouldn’t at school. Oh my goodness is favourite one they use at school 🙂

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