We all love our kids. We do. Hopefully.
There are moments to treasure; wobbly teeth, pictures on the fridge, cuddles in bed before the sun has risen. There are other moments where we are pulling our hair out. Hiding in the bathroom. Dragon breathing.
Like when our kids have licked the neighbour’s cat, tipped the houseplant onto the new rug, eaten it. And then thrown up the houseplant. The rug was new. My son currently has yoghurt in his hair and is trying to fit raisins in the DVD player. It took him 23 minutes to put on his shoes earlier.
What are the top 5 ways our children drive us crackers?
Repetitive whinging and nagging.
Mum. Mum. Mum. MUMMMY. Children do a lot of nagging and whingeing. Whining. Answering back. At the shops when they see those extortionately priced magazines with the crappy toy that will break in 3 seconds. When they see toy adverts on the TV. As soon as they wake up. Every bedtime. Especially after visiting nanny. Bad nanny.
Can be EXTREMELY frustrating. Children throw tantrums about toast. If it rains. Because they aren’t green. Because mummy drove the car. When you don’t let them eat ketchup. From the bottle. It is at its worst between the ages of 2 and 4. You have a brief respite and then tweendom hits.
Why. Why. Why. What. What. What. How old were you? Were you born in the olden days? How big is 1987? Where do babies come from? (Cabbage patches!) Does yellow taste like sun? Why is love called love? AHHHH.
They are snotty, sticky and filthy.
You get them up in the morning, bribe them to brush their teeth and wash their face. Put on clean clothes. Five minutes later they look like they have crawled through a vat of spaghetti. Never put your offspring in white. Little muck magnets. Seriously how did you get grass stains we have not even been outside yet?
You are walking along the street and they throw themselves on the floor. In an Oscar worthy fashion. My ankle, my nose. Everything hurts. You see this little scratch, on their hand, could it be dirt? Call nanny and put on 6 plasters. They will also need the day off school.
And how do we cope with kid related stress?
Some days we hide in the kitchen when they are upstairs in their bedroom pouring out all of their toys from the boxes onto the floor. Very, very quietly we sneak open the chocolate biscuit tin (because we know our children have sonic hearing.) It then takes 3 seconds for us to speed eat 4 Jaffa cakes. It is unlikely that we will have eaten a proper meal all day. Unless left over crumpet crusts count.
Children are the number one reason why rose sales are high. Most mothers will likely be connoisseurs. WE GET THIRSTY. When it is considered bad form to drink, there is coffee instead. Why do we need coffee? Because our children have probably let us sleep for a total of 4 hours sleep. If we are lucky. That, and our ‘to do list’ has 5001 things on it. When you starting dreaming about coffee and white then is the time to go decaf and drink non-alcoholic ginger beer. You can pretend you are on the Famous Five.
OBSESSIVELY watching Netflix.
We get so little free time as parents. Often only between the hours of 10-12pm, so marathon watching series about vampires seems productive. It gets addictive. Maybe we love it so much because there are no adverts. And it’s a bit sexy. Stranger things is currently on my watch list. Four episode in and I am going to sleep with the light on.
Sneakily smoking out the window.
At night, an hour after bedtime, when the boy is shouting that he needs a wee, a drink, a sandwich and there are scorpions under the bed. I can see my partner thinking ‘nicotine’. We have a rule of no smoking in the house or around the little but I still encouraged him to buy e cig as healthier alternative. Now he can pretend to be Gandalf, and not smell like an ashtray.
It’s all ‘chuggingtons’, ‘oh duck it’ and ‘sausages’ around the kids. When they are asleep we can curse all we want. When we find they drew on the wall, at the 3 piles of laundry we have to do. When we realise the wine is gone.
Disclaimer: This post was written in collaboration with Vapelux.