They say children need rules and boundaries.
With that in mind the other night I sat down with a glass of adult grape juice and jotted down a couple of rules that I think the Jungle family needs. They help to manage to chaos, that and I feel powerful with a biro in my hand.
We used to have a list on the fridge to back up what we were saying to our little boy when he was going through his bloody awful 4’s. I could have used a descriptive that also rhymes with F for four but I didn’t. Because this is a family blog. ‘No biting’ was one of them. Little nipper. Thankfully he is past that and the ‘unkind hands’ and pooing in his Spider-Man onesie phase. We blame over exposure to Ninja turtles.
The new improved rules are things like, if you want something screaming ‘MUMMY’ in an inaudible pitch REPEATEDLY is not a polite way to ask for a sandwich.
Halfway through this very sensible task I got thinking about the real type of rules families with kids need.
House Rules for ALL families.
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Farting at the table is NOT ok. Nor is throwing food, spitting it out, or trying to impale your playdate with a fork after stealing a chip.
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Believe in Santa, the Tooth fairy and the Easter bunny (or you don’t get presents).
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Mummy will not be buying you anything you see on TV adverts. It is all crap. Nor will I buy you magazines that shops sneakily put by the tills. You do not need a 2cm Peppa pig that will break in 10 minutes and three Haribo’s with a magazine you cannot yet read.
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Selfies are limited to three a day.
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Be grateful. Teach the child what grateful means. Hug each other as much as you can.
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Don’t drink the bathwater.
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Crisps are not a breakfast cereal do not ask for them at 7 am.
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Mummy spends a lot of time cleaning the bathroom. Do not poo on the floor, side of the toilet or wee up the wall.
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Despicable Me can only be watched a maximum of twice a day.
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Shouting MINE does not constitute ownership.
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Pick your battles, nose picking is not the worst thing that can happen today.
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Say sorry. Children and adults. We can both be wrong.
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If the adults buy expensive china, it is half their fault when the kids break it.
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‘The unicorn did it’ is not an appropriate response to what happened? Though we admire your creativity.
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Wine IS ALWAYS acceptable before 6pm. For adults exclusively. The kid didn’t earn it. We also don’t let him have anything fizzy. Things will end badly with Coca cola.
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Parents SEE ALL. Don’t try and lie, you are terrible at it.
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Brush your teeth don’t just eat the toothpaste.
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BUT MUUUUMY…or OIIIIII MUUUUUM is not an appropriate address for the woman who gave you life. Similarly, Monster child and Little horror are not appropriate names for your firstborn.
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If we don’t know something we will Google it.
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Before parenthood I did not know that there would need to be a rule, do not lick the neighbour’s cat. I was wrong.